it's gonna be my year.

R.I.P To the 31 U.S. Troops who were killed in a Helicopter crash in Afghanistan today. I bet no one cares but I do. Reblog for Respect.

(Source: sequinsandsweat, via hummingbirdswings-deactivated20)

It hurts to say this out loud. Looks like he’s really gone now.

Across Five Aprils- A Year From Now

Complete and total adoration,
My gift to you, my heart was yours,
In ten weeks you shaped it,
In one night you murdered it.
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet,
That first step you took was the worst.
Since then you’ve walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark,
And I still have these memories,
But we’ll never see what we could have been.
Remember when we talked about where we’d be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you’d never let it go?
Remember, cause that’s all you can do.
We’ll never make another memory,
We’ll never make another memory.
I wish I’d have died in your arms the last time we were together,
So I wouldn’t have to wake without you today.
This time I thought things were real,
You said they were,
What happened?
You were a priority,
Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don’t share with anyone.
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled.
Knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart,
I’m sorry that it wasn’t enough.
So, we’ll go our own ways,
And hopefully you’ll remember the things I’ve told you,
Hopefully you’ll understand that everything I said was in sincerity.
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this,
But I guess I’ve learned from it.
But aren’t you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don’t consider this a mistake,
I just wish the story didn’t end this way,
Cause I’m still in love with the person who helped me write it.
Remember when you held my hand like you’d never let it go?
Remember when we talked about where we’d be a year from now?

The Way I See It…

Creating a blog is kind of like the prewriting of an essay. You don’t really know what to say or how you’re going to organize your thoughts, but once you get started everything just seems to freely flow out and sculpt into an explanation. For me, it’s an explanation of how I feel right now at 1:16 AM on Wednesday morning. To be honest, I have never felt to alone. So helpless. So afraid. So disappointed. So heart broken. So anxious. So betrayed. So apathetic. So overemotional. So unhealthy. So lost. So overwhelmed. So unsure. Never in my 17, almost18 years of existence have I ever been so pessimistic about my life, future, relationships, education, occupation, or mental stablility. I mean I don’t think I’m going insane or anything, but for the past week I haven’t been able to get out of this rut.

First, it was raining. Raining after the day that Luke had come back into my life. We went to dinner, talked, ate, laughed, caught up, and then as he was leaving, he kissed me. I was so thrilled and thought maybe it might have meant something to him, maybe some miniscule amount of what I felt was tossed onto his heart, when in reality, he didn’t think twice about it. I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know what is going on. All I know is that if there was one person I could spend the rest of my life with, it would be him. And if it were possible to die of a broken heart, I would. Six years I’ve been waiting for him to kiss me. Five years I’ve been waiting for him to come home. Three years have passed since I last saw him. Months go by without us talking. But here in Maryland I still consider him the best thing I have ever and will ever have. The day you wake up to find that the one you love doesn’t feel the same way about you is the day you stop believing that anyone will ever make you happy again. That’s where I am right now.

Not to mention the face that I broke things off with a kid who was more woman than me and he turned our whole group of friends against me by spreading lies about physical things we did and things about which we talked. So now all the people who I used to be friends with are taking his side, which I guess makes them crappy friends, but at the same time it leaves me feeling so empty. I feel like I couldn’t count on anyone to really be there for me if I were to get in trouble or  need a hand. It’s like there’s a gaping hole in my chest where there used to be God, friends, family, and love. Now it’s nothing. It’s apathy. Along with some hate and bitterness. The way I look at everyday life situations is so negative that I can’t get any good our of anything.

Point number 3 about which I want to vent: I don’t know where I’m headed with my life. I’ve been working on my relationship with Christ, but it’s not personal. The will is there, but the connection isn’t. I need to pray more. And get stronger. Also, I have no idea which career path I want to choose, and that scares me spitless. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. And i’m afraid. It’s like every aspect of my life is up in the air and I can’t do one blessed thing about it. It’s 1:30, I need sleep. At least work is going well. That’s where I’ll be tomorrow. Maybe things will suddenly brighten up and return to normal. Until then.

Nevermind

I’ll find someone like you. I want nothing but the best for you, too. Don’t forget me, I begged. I remember you said, “Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.”

This describes my heart’s condition right now. Sometimes love lasts and everything is hunky dory. Sometimes there is so much pain in your chest, stomach, throat, brain, and soul that you would rather have a physical illness instead of a heart issue. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to make this situation better. Sometimes you have to do what’s best for your heart, and sometimes the person affected by that decision is lost in the process. I hate saying goodbye. I hate when people leave. I hate that I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. And what I hate most is when people lie.

You know how the girl always says, “All guys are the same, and I’m going to believe that til someone proves otherwise.” And guys are like, “Most guys are jerks, but I’m different.” No, this is not true. all guys are the same. Immature pieces of crap, just like their mothers. Girls lower their standards just to find someone halfway decent. Nope, not me. I don’t care if you ALMOST meet my criteria for a dateable man, you need to go above and beyond my expectations. They are as follows: Christians. Taller than me. On time. Loyal. Committed. Classy. Gentleman. Respectful. Dignified. Understanding. Charismatic. Loving. Sponatneous. Goal-oriented. Bigger than me. Older than me. Unique.

Once I meet a guy who has all of those character traits, it’s then that I will stop ratting on how awful the male population can be. So don’t hold your breath.